Samskara

The obvious and tangible changes that one would experience in a cross country move are far easier to digest than the ones that make you start to reconsider a piece you describe yourself as....

Consider your journey into Self. It begins as a spark.  Something that catches your attention and draws you in. Consider the modality that drives your discovery. It begins as  interest, a hobby and then progresses to more than something you just do. It starts to run deep. You recognize it's part of who you are. Something you identify yourself by as you become more intimate with this practice.  You become comfortable with that practice.  You have know made a Samskara.

In my own words a Samskara is the conditioning/imprinting that I have become so comfortable in it becomes unconscious. Since departing Toronto I've realized I was far too comfortable in doing what I loved everyday.  Teaching. Though happy and engaged, I took it for granted. My limited amount of quiet made me passive.  Days were packed and uncomplicated, I didn’t pop my head too far out of the yoga communities I was associated with.  

On the West coast the pendulum swings to the other side. I now have many unanswered questions about this piece of myself I'm trying to fit into my new surroundings. I quietly commentate on this on a daily basis.  Perhaps it's the prematernal Natasha exploiting an opportunity and constantly soliciting for more.  Perhaps it's a rising up to see where I was. Where do I really want to be?  Where am I going? As uncomfortable as I am with this discovery I know it has ignited something within me.  A hunger to do something more or different or all together opposite of what I’m used to doing.   One day I'm feel great about my mind, body and spirit.  The next, stressed.  I'm struggling with confidence, recognition, direction.   But I keep going to meet the moments of clarity and connection once again. In this time I devote more time to my practice. Remind myself it's not about being the best. I don't need a 'brand'. It's not about accolades. 

 I'm sleeping less and watching mind race. 

Underneath the uncertainty I know this is what my life is all about: a practice (and I'm not just addressing a yoga practice.  It's any practice that connects me to experience without judgment or expectation) that doesn't allow the familiar to make me comfortable.