Calm After the Storm

Personal Growth is not a matter of learning new information but of unlearning old limits

- Alan Cohen

 

At the end of last year my husband and I forced a chuckle and said "...at least 2014 won't be as tough as this year".  We had gutted our entire top floor of our house (completing our 4 year renovation plan) had our second child and witnessed the decent of my mothers life.  All in about 3 months. Every experience leaving me with this deeper and more profound understanding of what my life is, was and could be about.  

This year started slow and easy but we were restless.  We were no longer thriving in Toronto.  The winter felt isolating and harsh.  By spring we were mapping out what kind of environment we wanted to give our girls and ourselves.  Re-prioritizing what is now important to us. When BC was put on the table it became obvious that this is where we were going and all the things that needed to happen in order for us to be there clicked seamlessly.  Until we put our house up for sale.  

September to just about a week ago was turbulent.  Perhaps more so that last year.  Our real estate story was untypical of what we were told was going to happen, of what you hear in the Toronto market. Things were no longer flowing smoothly.  We could feel the tides turn.  It became draining, stagnant, stressful.  As was the physical packing up of our entire life to ship across the country.  I didn't get to say all the goodbyes I had planned for the last week before my departure.

Only one day before he was set to fly out my husband learned of a discovery and diagnosis of testicular cancer.   Perhaps it had been my experience or my practice to keep me in the moment, now having to be the one to fly out and receive our belongs. Baby and mother in law in tow. My emotions were too depleted to conceptualize what this could all mean. To leave my Love and continue to go with this path we had laid became a very physical and apathetic task. I left my heart with him. It rained very hard here for the first four days but the clouds soon gave way to sun and things started to clear for me as well.  His pathology showed no spread.  He joined us ten days later and is still recovering from surgery.  Can't help but think to now be here, in a place of serene, is exactly where we need to be.  To focus on ourselves, each other and the girls.

Big mountains give way to deep valleys.  Over and over I'm feeling more familiar/comfortable in the unpredictable every year that passes.  I'm lucky.  I have a partner who also is wired to wear his heart on his sleeve and expose himself to whatever the elements have in store for us.  

I was told recently that everybody faces adversity and we "just go look for it!".  Maybe. I have checked a few of the top ten stressful events in ones life at 36, but I know I'm much happier facing my trials then deferring them.  My realities give me a broader spectrum of love, joy and compassion that I know I harness at the centre of my being.